Used White Wife
It is absolutely unnecessary to write serious poetry.
In fact, anyone who
even attempts to write a serious poem reveals
him or herself to be completely anti-
intellectual by throwing (his or her) brain
in a trash heap. Mao Zedong,
your poems are horrible (esp-
ecially “Yellow Crane
Tower” and specifically when you state that the “yell-
ow crane is gone” and then have the nerve
to ask “who knows whither?”
My used white wife writes serious
poetry about Jacques Lacan. What a mor-
on! Doubling the drama of our frequent
disputes, she wraps our newborn
son with the highlighted and underlined pages
of his lectures. She who has
the advantage of manifesting symbolic necessity
more purely than Mao Zedong
wastes her time starting poems with lines like
“That we may believe its conception arbitrary...”
when what she needs to know is
that analytical truth is not as mysterious, or as secret
as the yellow crane
who stole the scholar from the tower that day on
the bank of the Yangtze.
In fact, anyone who
even attempts to write a serious poem reveals
him or herself to be completely anti-
intellectual by throwing (his or her) brain
in a trash heap. Mao Zedong,
your poems are horrible (esp-
ecially “Yellow Crane
Tower” and specifically when you state that the “yell-
ow crane is gone” and then have the nerve
to ask “who knows whither?”
My used white wife writes serious
poetry about Jacques Lacan. What a mor-
on! Doubling the drama of our frequent
disputes, she wraps our newborn
son with the highlighted and underlined pages
of his lectures. She who has
the advantage of manifesting symbolic necessity
more purely than Mao Zedong
wastes her time starting poems with lines like
“That we may believe its conception arbitrary...”
when what she needs to know is
that analytical truth is not as mysterious, or as secret
as the yellow crane
who stole the scholar from the tower that day on
the bank of the Yangtze.
Law & Order SVU
At least, I thought, being a
serial killer gives you
some sort of direction in life.
The rest of us, who don't resort to stuffing
the cut up bodies of prostitutes in suitcases
and throwing them into Lake Erie,
have to deal with the ennui of just
being by taking up hobbies such as
the therapeutic art of fly-fishing.
In the poem “Treading Water”
Ben Friedlander writes “a Styrofoam
cup obliterates the
world.” Being a direct descendant
of Plato, Ben probably knows that
he was a high
general in the Peloponnesian War
and it was during the great battle
with the Mongolians that he was
inspired to write
the best line of The Republic--
“great crimes are the outcome
of a nature full of abstraction,”
which is an obvious reference
to Russian cosmonauts coercing
their citizens to embrace
the American dream.
What I like about Olivia Benson, the am-
bitious and emotionally driven
detective is how unambiguously she
embraces continental philosophy
(and Ben Friedlander). She never
writes abstract poetry
about the Special Victims
Unit. As Hargitay puts it
in an interview entitled “The Missing
Occasion of Saying Yes,”
“Plato is not only a competent, street-
smart cop, he's also an empathetic
man who can respond emotionally
to victims of terrible crimes
without compromising his professionalism.”
serial killer gives you
some sort of direction in life.
The rest of us, who don't resort to stuffing
the cut up bodies of prostitutes in suitcases
and throwing them into Lake Erie,
have to deal with the ennui of just
being by taking up hobbies such as
the therapeutic art of fly-fishing.
In the poem “Treading Water”
Ben Friedlander writes “a Styrofoam
cup obliterates the
world.” Being a direct descendant
of Plato, Ben probably knows that
he was a high
general in the Peloponnesian War
and it was during the great battle
with the Mongolians that he was
inspired to write
the best line of The Republic--
“great crimes are the outcome
of a nature full of abstraction,”
which is an obvious reference
to Russian cosmonauts coercing
their citizens to embrace
the American dream.
What I like about Olivia Benson, the am-
bitious and emotionally driven
detective is how unambiguously she
embraces continental philosophy
(and Ben Friedlander). She never
writes abstract poetry
about the Special Victims
Unit. As Hargitay puts it
in an interview entitled “The Missing
Occasion of Saying Yes,”
“Plato is not only a competent, street-
smart cop, he's also an empathetic
man who can respond emotionally
to victims of terrible crimes
without compromising his professionalism.”
Pirate Standoff
for Anne Boyer
I have been a husband, a cop, an illegitimate
cousin and now I am a sharecropper.
As a sharecropper you are told to
google “octopussy” at least 16 times
for best results and then the person who owns
the land sells formaldehyde diapers to you at the
baby boutique (which sits on the
land you farm) for $16.95 each. There is a sign
upon entering the baby boutique
that reads “Most people in Africa have blue eyes
and most Swedes are technological inventions
that have short shelf lives so get back
to work.” There's also
a gym under the boutique called “Art of the Catwalk,”
where you learn to pole dance
because everyone knows that Baruch Spinoza
(high prince of philosophers)
was buried with a
Lil Mynx Removable Dance Pole
a few days after those high seas bandits
overtook the Maersk Alabama
shouting “God is the indwelling.
Mombasa we're here.”
I have been a husband, a cop, an illegitimate
cousin and now I am a sharecropper.
As a sharecropper you are told to
google “octopussy” at least 16 times
for best results and then the person who owns
the land sells formaldehyde diapers to you at the
baby boutique (which sits on the
land you farm) for $16.95 each. There is a sign
upon entering the baby boutique
that reads “Most people in Africa have blue eyes
and most Swedes are technological inventions
that have short shelf lives so get back
to work.” There's also
a gym under the boutique called “Art of the Catwalk,”
where you learn to pole dance
because everyone knows that Baruch Spinoza
(high prince of philosophers)
was buried with a
Lil Mynx Removable Dance Pole
a few days after those high seas bandits
overtook the Maersk Alabama
shouting “God is the indwelling.
Mombasa we're here.”
Lasers in the Jungle
I was at a union party last year and this girl
was telling me about how her
mom is allergic to everything--everything? I asked.
Everything, she answered
even the earth's magnetic field.
I've heard Paul Simon sing
about the boy with the baboon heart
one to many times today. No
wonder he was sued. Have I told you about
how Edie Brickell's band
drugged my husband with PCP-laced walnut
cookies about ten years ago in Dallas?
What a duo. In 1906
French physicist Bernard Brunhes
proved that the earth's polarity
reversed by taking warm honey and
pouring it over a
Taung child's (A. africanus) smallish
mandible. His life of seed-eating, sex
and reproduction is common
in generalized
endotherms. Humans
arn't cheetahs, you know—they don't
run their prey to the ground. The cost
of bipedal walking: a bubble allergy.
Dear Jen Knox:
You've been tellin' me you're a genius
since you were seventeen
so can you please tell me
why Wislawa Szymborska's poem
“Brueghel's Two Monkeys”
has two monkeys chained
to the floor in the first stanza? I mean,
is that even possible?
was telling me about how her
mom is allergic to everything--everything? I asked.
Everything, she answered
even the earth's magnetic field.
I've heard Paul Simon sing
about the boy with the baboon heart
one to many times today. No
wonder he was sued. Have I told you about
how Edie Brickell's band
drugged my husband with PCP-laced walnut
cookies about ten years ago in Dallas?
What a duo. In 1906
French physicist Bernard Brunhes
proved that the earth's polarity
reversed by taking warm honey and
pouring it over a
Taung child's (A. africanus) smallish
mandible. His life of seed-eating, sex
and reproduction is common
in generalized
endotherms. Humans
arn't cheetahs, you know—they don't
run their prey to the ground. The cost
of bipedal walking: a bubble allergy.
Dear Jen Knox:
You've been tellin' me you're a genius
since you were seventeen
so can you please tell me
why Wislawa Szymborska's poem
“Brueghel's Two Monkeys”
has two monkeys chained
to the floor in the first stanza? I mean,
is that even possible?
Sandra Simonds is the author of Used White Wife (Grey Book Press, 2009), Warsaw Bikini (Bloof Books, 2008) and several chapbooks. She is the founder of Wildlife, an experimental, handmade poetry magazine. She earned a BA in English and Psychology from UCLA and an MFA from the University of Montana. She is currently a PhD student in Creative Writing at Florida State University. For more information, visit her blog at ssandrasimonds.blogspot.com